Post number 200.
On August 22, 2004 I came to the fresh realization that I am fat. A year ago, documented in this blog, I made a very big deal about going on a weight loss program. I graphed it all out and patted myself on the back repeatedly. With some effort I lost 25 pounds and thought it was all great.
That said, I suffered from terrible cravings, thought about food all of the time and, ultimately, ratoinalized that a few light beers on the weekend were just fine. I bought new clothes and somehow convinced myself that weighing 210 pounds was no longer fat.
Reality check, it still is.
Fast forward a year later, after a summer of drinking an average of over 50 beers a week, that's six a night, and as many as 12 a day on the weekends, I had gained all 25 pounds back. I ate fast food almost every day and frequented the frozen custard stand, as a rationalization I was getting a 'treat for the kids'.
What am I doing to myself? My back hurts, I have no stamina, and I am in a vicious cycle of waking up fuzzy from too many beers the night before to drinking massive amounts of caffiene to clear my head. My mind was going, I stuttered and couldn't think clearly. And, lastly, I figured I was probably going to die if I kept this cycle going. I'm a couple of years older than my brother when he passed away, and I not only have my own children to take care of but I am still very involved in the lives of Matt's boys.
Something had to be done. And, the first thing, was a realization of what the problems are. I cannot drink in moderation. I never met a beer I didn't like, and if I liked one, six were better. The last time I 'dieted'. after less than two weeks I was already rationalizing how I could have a few beers socially on the weekend. It didn't take long for that to become six, or more, on a daily basis.
It was time to stop. Not slow down, just plain stop. I have not had anything to drink since August 22. I don't intend to ever drink again. I am like an alcoholic. I cannot drink just one. So, if I can't drink just one, the only way to deal wiht it is to drink zero. I do not drink hard alcohol, and at my weight, six beers hardly affects me; that is other than the expense, the weight, and the lost time I spend 'fuzzy', instead of clear headed.
And dieting? How can you do it if you are obsessed about food? Suffering cravings all of the time? There is no easy solution to this. It just takes will-power.
So, what is different this time than a year ago? I have quit drinking, period, for good. I have committed myself to a real weight loss goal. One that is healthy and permanent. I am not satisfied with losing 'a little weight'. What value is there in being 'a little less fat'?
Giving up both alochol and food is a pretty substantial life change. These are two things combined that give a lot of pleasure in life. The day to day benefits from dieting are limited. You are clear headed at least, have more productive time in the day, and don't feel bloated and unpleasant from gorging yourself in an unhealthy way.
In the long term, the very long term, losing weight has substantial rewards. Improved health and energy level. Ultimately you can incorporate things back into your life that you lost due to the baggage of kilos of fat. Water ski, snow ski, rock climbing? All my favorite activities now abandoned for over 12 years because of fat. Life is short, do you want to live it in a fog of alcholol and waddling under pounds of unwanted flesh?
I recently thought of an excellent motivational tool to keep a dieter focused on the problem and the goal. If you are 60 pounds overweight, that is a tremendous amount of mass. Imagine taking 60 pounds, putting it in a backpack, and carrying it around? That is literaly what you are doing to yourself when you are that overweight. The motiviational tool I came up with is to go walking/hiking with a backpack filled to the exact weight you have lost to date. Imagine as the pack gets heavier and heavier what a concrete reminder it is of how hard you have worked to get rid of that weight and how comitted you are to never gain it back again?
I need a reward for reaching my goal weight of 175 pounds. The goal is clear, but what is the payoff when you get there? Other than improved health? Because of the metabolism of a middle aged man, I cannot go back to my old ways. So, what is the reward?
I remember when I was young I used to love to dress well. As you gain weight you also lose interest in your personal appearance, looking more like a bum than a professional. So, I have decided that my reward, the carrot for my stick, is a brand new Italian suit. Of course, even that alone isn't enough. I have decided that the actual reward should be to fly to Italy to buy that suit.
So, now I have a clear goal and a serious commitment to not backslide, not compromise, and not give up when I am only part of the way to my ultimate reward. To date I have lost 18 pounds. This is pretty much in sync with the weight loss I experienced a year ago. The difference is, a year ago I began compromising and backsliding once I had achieved an immediate short term weight loss. Not this time. And, I think the main difference, is a core commitment to quit alchohol for good. Wish me luck. Well, really, there is no luck involved at all. Just wish that I can keep my resolve.
So, that is one part of my life I am working on. The next part of my life I need to work on is work.
My office is 38 miles door to door from my home. Lately my morning commute has been taking as long as an hour and a half. When it is this bad, it inolves driving 75mph for the first 18 miles and then constant bumper to bumper traffic that induces feelings of hate, despair, anger, and completely destructive spiritual deadening frustration.
I don't know how people deal with it. But I simply cannot. I spend as much as three hours a day commuting only to go to a job where I spend at least 9 hours working. This is just not right. The same time I spend commuting could be spent doing productive work in a low-stress high productivity home office.
Nevertheless, I work with a lot of other people and have meetings to attend. Earlier this week, I decided the solution was to leave for work earlier in the morning. So, instead of leaving at 8am, I left at 6:30am. So, shock of shock, the traffic was as bad if not worse! I literally almost resigned on the spot I was so frazzled by the commute experience.
Finally, on Wednesday I had had enough. I woke up at 5am and immediately rushed out the door. Not surprisingly, finally, there was no traffic. I showed up at my office before 6am and was able to get productive work done for three hours before anyone else even showed up for work. I left work at 3pm with modest traffic, and got home with lots of the day left to go out on my boat and see my kids when they get home from school. I never asked my boss if this was ok or not, I suppose he will tell me if he has a problem with it. Then, I suppose, I will have another life decision to make....
Now that I am no longer drinking, I can get up early in the morning, fresh, and ready to greet the day. Time shifting is a powerful thing. I believe this is going to work for me. Before, I got up at 7am, left for work at 8am, arrived at 9 or 9:30 depending on traffic, then didn't leave to come home until 6:30 to 7pm. I wouldn't get home until 7:30 to 8 at night. I didn't see my kids and was frazzled from traffic and limited time. We will see...
There are other things going on. My daughter Lauren is doing exceptional in high school band. I have been attending the high school football games on Friday to watch the marching band play and, surprisingly, really enjoy the game. I installed a two-receiver DirectTV/Tivo system in the bedroom. We can now record three shows simultaneously. More shows than I have time to watch, of course.
I signed up for Netflix and am now receving more DVDs than I have time to watch as well.
Today, I am supposed to be finishing a book chapter for a book. Something I have been putting off for ages and here I am writing a blog entry.
In October I am showing my scope print of "Ghostbusters" for the Saturday night screening room. In September Phil will be showing "Fiddler on the Roof" in his home theatre.
I am looking forward to the fall, and fall festivals, and hiking in the woods with Alex.
That is all for now. Could you read a more rambling blog?
On August 22, 2004 I came to the fresh realization that I am fat. A year ago, documented in this blog, I made a very big deal about going on a weight loss program. I graphed it all out and patted myself on the back repeatedly. With some effort I lost 25 pounds and thought it was all great.
That said, I suffered from terrible cravings, thought about food all of the time and, ultimately, ratoinalized that a few light beers on the weekend were just fine. I bought new clothes and somehow convinced myself that weighing 210 pounds was no longer fat.
Reality check, it still is.
Fast forward a year later, after a summer of drinking an average of over 50 beers a week, that's six a night, and as many as 12 a day on the weekends, I had gained all 25 pounds back. I ate fast food almost every day and frequented the frozen custard stand, as a rationalization I was getting a 'treat for the kids'.
What am I doing to myself? My back hurts, I have no stamina, and I am in a vicious cycle of waking up fuzzy from too many beers the night before to drinking massive amounts of caffiene to clear my head. My mind was going, I stuttered and couldn't think clearly. And, lastly, I figured I was probably going to die if I kept this cycle going. I'm a couple of years older than my brother when he passed away, and I not only have my own children to take care of but I am still very involved in the lives of Matt's boys.
Something had to be done. And, the first thing, was a realization of what the problems are. I cannot drink in moderation. I never met a beer I didn't like, and if I liked one, six were better. The last time I 'dieted'. after less than two weeks I was already rationalizing how I could have a few beers socially on the weekend. It didn't take long for that to become six, or more, on a daily basis.
It was time to stop. Not slow down, just plain stop. I have not had anything to drink since August 22. I don't intend to ever drink again. I am like an alcoholic. I cannot drink just one. So, if I can't drink just one, the only way to deal wiht it is to drink zero. I do not drink hard alcohol, and at my weight, six beers hardly affects me; that is other than the expense, the weight, and the lost time I spend 'fuzzy', instead of clear headed.
And dieting? How can you do it if you are obsessed about food? Suffering cravings all of the time? There is no easy solution to this. It just takes will-power.
So, what is different this time than a year ago? I have quit drinking, period, for good. I have committed myself to a real weight loss goal. One that is healthy and permanent. I am not satisfied with losing 'a little weight'. What value is there in being 'a little less fat'?
Giving up both alochol and food is a pretty substantial life change. These are two things combined that give a lot of pleasure in life. The day to day benefits from dieting are limited. You are clear headed at least, have more productive time in the day, and don't feel bloated and unpleasant from gorging yourself in an unhealthy way.
In the long term, the very long term, losing weight has substantial rewards. Improved health and energy level. Ultimately you can incorporate things back into your life that you lost due to the baggage of kilos of fat. Water ski, snow ski, rock climbing? All my favorite activities now abandoned for over 12 years because of fat. Life is short, do you want to live it in a fog of alcholol and waddling under pounds of unwanted flesh?
I recently thought of an excellent motivational tool to keep a dieter focused on the problem and the goal. If you are 60 pounds overweight, that is a tremendous amount of mass. Imagine taking 60 pounds, putting it in a backpack, and carrying it around? That is literaly what you are doing to yourself when you are that overweight. The motiviational tool I came up with is to go walking/hiking with a backpack filled to the exact weight you have lost to date. Imagine as the pack gets heavier and heavier what a concrete reminder it is of how hard you have worked to get rid of that weight and how comitted you are to never gain it back again?
I need a reward for reaching my goal weight of 175 pounds. The goal is clear, but what is the payoff when you get there? Other than improved health? Because of the metabolism of a middle aged man, I cannot go back to my old ways. So, what is the reward?
I remember when I was young I used to love to dress well. As you gain weight you also lose interest in your personal appearance, looking more like a bum than a professional. So, I have decided that my reward, the carrot for my stick, is a brand new Italian suit. Of course, even that alone isn't enough. I have decided that the actual reward should be to fly to Italy to buy that suit.
So, now I have a clear goal and a serious commitment to not backslide, not compromise, and not give up when I am only part of the way to my ultimate reward. To date I have lost 18 pounds. This is pretty much in sync with the weight loss I experienced a year ago. The difference is, a year ago I began compromising and backsliding once I had achieved an immediate short term weight loss. Not this time. And, I think the main difference, is a core commitment to quit alchohol for good. Wish me luck. Well, really, there is no luck involved at all. Just wish that I can keep my resolve.
So, that is one part of my life I am working on. The next part of my life I need to work on is work.
My office is 38 miles door to door from my home. Lately my morning commute has been taking as long as an hour and a half. When it is this bad, it inolves driving 75mph for the first 18 miles and then constant bumper to bumper traffic that induces feelings of hate, despair, anger, and completely destructive spiritual deadening frustration.
I don't know how people deal with it. But I simply cannot. I spend as much as three hours a day commuting only to go to a job where I spend at least 9 hours working. This is just not right. The same time I spend commuting could be spent doing productive work in a low-stress high productivity home office.
Nevertheless, I work with a lot of other people and have meetings to attend. Earlier this week, I decided the solution was to leave for work earlier in the morning. So, instead of leaving at 8am, I left at 6:30am. So, shock of shock, the traffic was as bad if not worse! I literally almost resigned on the spot I was so frazzled by the commute experience.
Finally, on Wednesday I had had enough. I woke up at 5am and immediately rushed out the door. Not surprisingly, finally, there was no traffic. I showed up at my office before 6am and was able to get productive work done for three hours before anyone else even showed up for work. I left work at 3pm with modest traffic, and got home with lots of the day left to go out on my boat and see my kids when they get home from school. I never asked my boss if this was ok or not, I suppose he will tell me if he has a problem with it. Then, I suppose, I will have another life decision to make....
Now that I am no longer drinking, I can get up early in the morning, fresh, and ready to greet the day. Time shifting is a powerful thing. I believe this is going to work for me. Before, I got up at 7am, left for work at 8am, arrived at 9 or 9:30 depending on traffic, then didn't leave to come home until 6:30 to 7pm. I wouldn't get home until 7:30 to 8 at night. I didn't see my kids and was frazzled from traffic and limited time. We will see...
There are other things going on. My daughter Lauren is doing exceptional in high school band. I have been attending the high school football games on Friday to watch the marching band play and, surprisingly, really enjoy the game. I installed a two-receiver DirectTV/Tivo system in the bedroom. We can now record three shows simultaneously. More shows than I have time to watch, of course.
I signed up for Netflix and am now receving more DVDs than I have time to watch as well.
Today, I am supposed to be finishing a book chapter for a book. Something I have been putting off for ages and here I am writing a blog entry.
In October I am showing my scope print of "Ghostbusters" for the Saturday night screening room. In September Phil will be showing "Fiddler on the Roof" in his home theatre.
I am looking forward to the fall, and fall festivals, and hiking in the woods with Alex.
That is all for now. Could you read a more rambling blog?
Comments
I've missed interacting with you through your blog entries. Glad to see you are keeping it active.
Have you given any thought to working at home a couple days a week and scheduling meetings on those two or three days you're at the office? It isn't the ideal situation, but maybe it will relieve enough frustration and stress in your life to make the change worth it.
And, what's the book about?
You can do anything you put your mind to. :) HUGS!